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Paying Attention to Your Needs

Pay Attention to Your Feelings and Reconnect with your Needs

Motherhood brings out many emotions. You can go from feeling immense joy and pride to deep guilt or shame, sometimes within the span of a few minutes. Sometimes mothers try to ignore or "get over" their feelings rather than acknowledge them and learn from them. As a result, they can feel numb or empty inside. To ignore or bottle up emotions can also cause stress and frustration. Many of us don't realize how this disconnection from our underlying emotions causes several of the daily irritations we feel.
In addition, when a mother thinks about changing things and trying to feel more complete and happy, this focus on herself brings up feelings of guilt, frustration, and obligation. Adjusting to motherhood can be such an emotional rollercoaster ride that we might just want to sometimes shut down and get off.
Emotions 101
Emotions hold a message for you.
To feel complete, we need to adopt a positive perspective on our emotions. Our emotions are like messengers. They tell us when our needs are being met and when they are not being met. For example, if I need some attention and I don't get it, I feel angry. But if I do get it, I feel relaxed and happy. If I need food because I am hungry and I can't find something I like to eat, I feel frustrated and I get cranky. But if I need food and there is something nourishing at hand, I feel satisfied and relaxed. Is this sounding familiar? Doesn't this sound like your children?
The important thing to understand about our emotions is that they can lead us to our needs. For mothers this is critical, because mothers are geniuses at figuring out what everyone else needs, but not so good at paying attention to their own needs.
Exercise: Connecting Emotions to Your Needs
Humans all have basic needs that are linked to our physical well-being. But, we have emotional, spiritual, and intellectual needs also. Just like with children, when our needs are being met or not being met, we feel it as emotion.
1.    For one week, start to connect your emotions to your needs. If you find yourself getting angry, ask yourself what need is not being met in this situation or relationship. When you are feeling peaceful or inspired or happy, ask yourself what needs are being met. Record this in your journal.
2.   At the end of the week, take a look back at what you've written to see if you can identify some common themes. For example, does the need for "order" come up a lot? What about "self-expression, intimacy, or clarity?"
3.   Also note what your energy is like when your needs are not being met and when they are. Having unmet needs will bring you down. Your life spark will be faint. Having your needs met, however, energizes you. You have a more powerful spark, not from anger or frustration, but from the sense of satisfaction and well-being that comes when your needs are met. 
As you reflect on your needs, you will be getting more and more in touch with yourself. You will probably find that your top needs are the ones that keep appearing in your journal repeatedly. Now you have a good idea of what your personal needs are.
- excerpt from Becoming a Mother on Fire: A Guide to Being a Mom Without Losing Yourself by Lisa Garber available Winter 2010