E-Zine
Learning to Ask for What You Need and Want
The other day, my cousin asked me to make a phone call to an old friend of the family. This old friend is a very successful lawyer. My cousin is in law school and was asking me to make the connection for him. I said sure. But I haven’t done it yet.
How come? Because I’m afraid to ask. Oh yes. There is a dread in the pit of my stomach. A barrage of “what ifs” encircle my head. “What if he doesn’t want to do it? What if he thinks I’m pushy? What if I’m imposing? What if he says no? What if I make him feel uncomfortable? What if I make him angry?”
Asking for something, even as simple as “Will you take a call from my young cousin,” can be excruciatingly difficult for some people. I know - I’m one of them. And a lot of my clients are like that too, especially mothers.
There is a psychology behind the difficulty in asking for what we need or want. It is connected to one’s sense of self-worth. If we don’t feel worthy, we don’t ask. This is not the easiest of obstacles to overcome because self-worth is a very deep sense of one’s value. It doesn’t change overnight. But it is manageable. Here are some tips:
1. Recognize that the fear of asking for something we need or want comes from a young part of ourselves, some experts call it the inner child. It’s okay to listen to that part, but you don’t want it running your life. Instead, acknowledge the fear and do it anyway. Each time you overcome the fear, you build courage and it will become easier the next time.
2. Don’t be a martyr. By not asking for what you need and want, you end up suffering in silence. No one actually knows what is bothering you. Eventually, you end up feeling resentment or feeling hard done by. But no one knows why. It’s all in your head. Worse, you expect them to be able to read your mind. That is a huge mistake people make. No one knows what you need or want until you ask. Expecting them to read your mind is a throw back to your days as a child when your mother seemed to be able to meet your needs without you having to ask. That kind of relationship does not exist between adults. You have to ask for others to know what you need.
3. Remember, people want to help and people want to please. We tend to forget that people want to feel needed, wanted, helpful and good about themselves. By not asking for what we need and want, we don’t let them have that chance. You give people a great gift when you start to ask. It’s a wonderful way to build connection and community.
Okay. I am convincing myself to make that call! If you want more tips towards developing yourself and improving your life, you can purchase my book, Becoming a Mother on Fire: A Guide to Being a Mother Without Losing Yourself at Amazon.com.
Written by Lisa Garber
