I am always accommodating other people. Will I ever start to stand up for myself?

Submitted by: Cari J.

Answered by: Lisa Garber, M.Ed. CPCC

We accommodate because we want to please people. And we want to please people to be accepted. The fear of rejection is a major motivator in a lot of people’s lives. Being accepted is a natural desire. You probably notice it in your children. Developmentally speaking, children sense that rejection could mean not surviving. They are utterly dependent on us to survive, so belonging and feeling accepted is a powerful survival need.

The issue becomes a problem when we unconsciously keep that survival mechanism going into adult live. We’ll do anything to be accepted, including not stand up for ourselves, not express a dissenting opinion, not rock the boat or confront others.

Here’s a tip: Start to focus on how you are now an adult, how you don’t need to please everyone to survive anymore. You can take care of yourself even if you get rejected. You may wish it could be different, but you don’t NEED it to be different. Embracing the competent, strong adult you already are will help to soothe the fearful part within you. You can take care of yourself. And you will love how you feel when you start to stand up for yourself. It is the best feeling in the world. Try it. You’ll like it.